Tag Archives: sex advice

The One With The Bleeding (Adult Star Missy Martinez on AEWCH!)

13 Aug

 

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Happy to have another performer on the show for the first time: the amazing Missy Martinez! We talk shop, of course. We also talk about being in relationships while making scenes, what words we prefer for our nethers, eroticizing jealousy, the technicalities of intergenerational and family scenes, on how producers waste performers’ time, what it’s like to be on set, how adult can help you let go of racism, feeling fat. If I talked too much, it’s just because I was over caffeinated and Missy makes me gay boy nervous because she is INCREDIBLE. 

You can and should follow Missy on twitter: @MissyXMartinez

Show notes, as always, are available to patrons who support the show.

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Are Bodies Our Selves?

3 Jul

 

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Hi friends,

In this episode, I talk about how desire and sex challenge materialistic narratives. And to get to the bottom of it, I take apart scientific studies of sex, investigate sexual assault, discuss the mysticism of having a wank, and explore boobs and feet.

XO
CH

Conner + Dr. Chris Donaghue talking sex and culture

13 Oct
Welcome to Episode 10 of Against Everyone with Conner Habib
I can’t believe I’ve gotten this far without talking at length about sex yet. Well, that changed, of course, when I invited one of my closet colleagues over: sexologist, author, and co-host (with Amber Rose) of Loveline, Dr. Chris Donaghue!
Chris is one of my closest colleagues (as in, we share the same approaches to thinking about sex), and he’s constantly reinvigorating my interest in a subject that I’ve been studying and working with for over a decade.
IN THIS EP
  • When you talk about sex, you’re condemned by pop culture and bureaucracy (this goes on for quite awhile, because there’s example after example): 2:25
  • This condemnation is happening for everyone, it just rises to the surface when you enter the public sphere 9:55
  • Hypersexualization meets sexphobia to create a frustration culture: 10:30
  • Sex shame in the self help section: 13:55
  • Your own sexual liberation is a lifelong project 15:45
  • The surprising places sex negativity springs up 16:35
  • New age fundamentalism masquerading as healthy sexuality 18:20
  • Dismantling “balance” and going for excess to be healthy and fully realized: 19:45
  • “Balance” is just another name for monogamy: 21:35
  • Sex IS the teacher: 23:00
  • To learn about sex, seek some discomfort: 28:45
  • How monogamous partners often police and trap each other: 30:50
  • Wittgenstein explains pornography 33:55
  • My favorite adult scene to watch: 38:30
  • Why bisexuality does and does not exist: 40:10
  • Are new terms for sexual identity politics valuable?: 43:10
  • Conner feels fat, and that makes him a top: 47:55
  • Individuality vs Individualism: 1:01:10

The show notes, including three books Chris recommends, are here on my patreon!

If you enjoy the show, please do support it!
Thank you!

CH

THIS SUNDAY: What Is The Occult + Me on Nerdist, podcasts and more!

6 Mar

Metatronner

“Occultism is the metaphysic of dunces.” – Theodor Adorno, philosopher

“Science is always discovering odd scraps of magical wisdom and making a tremendous fuss about its cleverness.” – Aleister Crowley, magus

“The occult takes everything seriously, because it recognizes that everything is possible.” – Conner Habib, me

The occult is contentious, powerful, absurd, and absolutely vital. My online course, What Is the Occult? Is THIS SUNDAY, 3/12 at noon (PST). Sign up for just 15 bucks! If you can’t attend that day/time, no problem! Your ticket gets you exclusive access to a recording of the whole thing!

You can also get tickets with cool bonus packages like a Skype conversation with me, a curated reading list, suggested rituals, access to recordings of previous courses I’ve given, and more!

Sign up now!

***

I’ve done a lot of media lately, including the legendary Hound Tall podcast with legendary MKcomedian Moshe Kasher on the legendary network, Nerdist! Okay, look, I’m pushing this legendary thing, I get it. The point is, it was fun, like the movie, Legend. Basically, I talked about sex and the occult with a bunch of comedians. They interrupted me a lot, but in funny ways. Moshe’s been on Portlandia, Drunk History, and more. He also has a new show on Comedy Central, Problematic with Moshe Kasher. He’s hilarious and he’s obviously in love with me. Listen to our conversation here.

***

Screen Shot 2017-03-06 at 1.23.06 PM

I was on the coolest Swedish Deleuze-meets-cultural-studies podcast (yes, yes, the joke is that it’s the ONLY Swedish Deleuze-meets-cultural-studies podcast, but it’s still the coolest), The Catacombic Machine. Me and Josef Gustafsson discuss a lot of things: desire, Rudolf Steiner, Gilles Deleuze, and David Lynch’s Blue Velvet. It’s a nice big mindfuck of a podcast, so give it a listen!

 

***
I’m part of this year’s Explore More SummitExplore More SummitExplore More Summit! It’s an online conference featuring tons of sex researchers and experts, set up by sex educator, Dawn Serra. She’s awesome and asks great questions. The way it works: You sign up for free and get access to a whole lot of stuff. If you pay, you get access to a ton more stuff.

Here’s the trailer for my part of the conference! Click here to sign up for free!

***

Oh and here’s the trailer for my course, in case you missed it a couple weeks ago. It’s a masterpiece of me with a candles and some books because that is really witchy. Or something.

Do what I wilt,

CH

EVENT: Hang Out with Me & I’ll Answer Anything You Want To Ask Me about Sex.

26 Jan
Goofyface

So, you want to talk about sex. Hi.

Want to hear me talk about sex? Want to ask me your biggest, most urgent, most arousing question about sex?

Well, all right. Let’s do it.

Here’s how!

(Scroll down to Ask Conner Anything below if you already know the deal.)

THE EXPLORE MORE SUMMIT

I’m part of the Explore More summit – an online summit featuring thirty (!!) sexual thinkers, including Me, Dan Savage, Feminista Jones, Tristan Taromino, and more! (For a full list of speakers, click here.) The summit airs from January 28 – February 6. But you can sign up at any time during the summit!

In my interview, I talk about butts, consent, fear of sex in our culture, the problem of sex on campus, sexual shame, and more. Oh, and I talk about dicks (duh).

Each day, three 60 minute-long video interviews (an hour for each speaker) will be available for you to watch.

DS

Me and Dan Savage, coming at you.

Anyway, it’s totally free! 

You don’t have to pay anything for the interviews, you just have to watch them within 24 hours (Mine airs February 5).

Ask Conner Anything

BUT! Here’s the best part – If you sign up through me for the Platinum Package, there’s a big bonus:

I’ll personally answer any question you have about sex.

Yes! It’s true! Whatever sexy or anxious or baffling or funny or arousing or personal or cultural question you have about sex? I will personally answer it. And I don’t just mean with a “yes” or “no” or “boners!” – I mean, I’ll sit down and really go at answering it. And I’ll send you my answer by the end of the summit (February 6).

It’s easy to sign up.

  1. Just go to the summit site via this link
  2. When you get there, click on BONUS PACKAGES in the top right.
  3. Sign up for the PLATINUM PACKAGE.
  4. After  you sign up, just send me an email with your question – connerhabibsocial[at]gmail.com  – and include “Explore5” in the subject line.  This offer is ONLY available for people that sign up for the summit THROUGH ME.

I’m using the honor system here, so please be a nice person. One sign up = one question.

On top of that, you’ll have access to all the interviews for 90 days, as well as all the bonus materials other speakers are offering.

All right?

All right!
Love,

CH

Twitter Explore More Image

#TheSexRadicals, Conclusion: Where are the sex radicals of today?

22 Sep

AASBEach week this summer, I’ve been posting short essays on sexual thinkers who have changed my perspective on sex, and who, I believe, could be instrumental in helping us remake Western sexual culture. All the figures were dead except one, Amber Hollibaugh, who I included because, in my life, she’s tied to the other thinker featured in that post, Edward Carpenter, in a way that I felt made both more illuminating.

The task at hand after the series was finished was to cap it off with a review of the sex radicals of today.  I thought it would be easy.  Instead, I found myself searching without much success and wandering around in a sort of cultural pessimism.

It’s not that there’s a shortage of people doing amazing sexual thinking. I know dozens of people who are doing essential and powerful work around sex.  I list some of them here in hopes that you will find and engage with their efforts.  People like:

sex and law scholar Eric Berkowitz

trauma and abuse researcher Susan Clancy

Middle East cultural critic and feminist rebel Mona Eltahawy

sex work journalist Melissa Gira Grant

trans rights activist/porn occultist Bailey Jay

critical theorist Roger Lancaster

writer and researcher into childhood sexuality Judith Levine

the dispeller of sex and porn addiction myths David Ley

cultural documentarian and sex worker advocate Maggie McNeill

sex-in-evolutionary thinker Christopher Ryan

The world would be worse off without any of these people’s vital efforts. And for all the tremendous amount of respect and

Wilhelm Reich

Wilhelm Reich

gratitude I have for them, I don’t find in them the big picture risk of someone like Wilhelm Reich, or the comprehensive theorizing of someone like Jacques Lacan. Nor anything like Ida Craddock‘s attempt to merge dimensions of science, pleasure, spirituality, and feminism into a usable practice of sensual liberation.

This isn’t a slight to any of the luminaries I’ve mentioned.  Rather, it’s a report on the state of the world, which has seemingly moved on from a renaissance of interdisciplinary thinking. Instead, thinkers tend to find a niche and gather information, to become experts.  This is, in some ways, a positive development.  After all, the sweeping generalizations of the modern era led to (and continue to lead) to colonialist wars, racism, classism, and more.

But the drive to discover the entire world in yourself, and to discover yourself spread out across the world your very being located everywhere, that does bring us something potent and radical.

Perhaps more to the point, that the current cultural impulse demands we sequester our work and not allow the free flow of other disciplines into our own is decidedly un-sexual.

My mentor, biologist Lynn Margulis, was an interdisciplinary radical if ever there was one.  She knew geology, chemistry, microbioogy, botany.  She could recite Emily Dickinson poems by heart, and at the end of her life published a book of fiction.  She went to school for philosophy and helped create the field of biogeochemistry, which studies how living beings interact with non-living beings in profound discursive loops.

Lynn and Me.

Lynn and Me.

“The people down the hall from my lab,” she told me, “have no idea what I’m doing.  And the people down the hall from them have no idea what they’re doing, and so on.  How is anyone supposed to know what ‘science’ is if scientists don’t talk to each other?”  That was in a single University of Massachusetts building.  Now what about that building and the humanities building?  And other campuses?  And people who don’t go to college or teach at a college and those that do?  The world is hopelessly fragmented and continues to harden into fine intractable points of view.  We don’t have disciplines any more so much as we do shards of thought.  We can’t help but harm ourselves with their edges, still jagged from when they were broken off from the whole.

Happily, there are deeply interdisciplinary thinkers that write and speak about sex. The founder of the Center for Sex and Culture Carol Queen, for example.  Science fiction writer and academic Samuel Delaney. Sex therapist and author Chris Donaghue.

I don’t mean these intellectuals are “better,” simply that they are doing the work of introducing disciplines and perspectives to SOTLother disciplines and perspectives.  They are bridges for disparate ways of thought.  These sorts of bridges are desperately needed.

And we need to do more than that, even.  We need to focus our efforts on more than just sex.  Sex is the teacher, and its lesson is not merely itself.

I’m guilty myself of every charge here, of course.  I’m guilty of limiting my scope and vision and action, and I’d like to do better.

A world that embraces true sexual freedom will need to be pluralistic, because sexuality is individual.  Unfortunately what our culture embraces, sexually, is pluralism’s opposite.

Fundamentalism is the default attitude of our culture when it comes to sex.

It’s an attitude composed of a psychotic certainty about what is sexually moral.  People and institutions in power may have set the stage for these fundamentalist attitudes, but everyone perpetuates them.  Whenever you slut-shame someone, whenever I reactively flinch at a friend’s sexual preference, whenever we unthinkingly let a sexual taboo go unchallenged, even if we are sex positive, we reinforce sexual fundamentalism.  The best way to combat fundamentalism is to cultivate in thinking, feeling and action, a true plurality. Sexually, you may engage with people you might not normally find attractive, try a new sexual act, question your patterns and boundaries.  But let’s move beyond sex here to get truly sexual.  We can read and investigate topics outside of our interests, allow ourselves to be uncomfortable.  Pull a book at random off the shelf at the library, force yourself through it, whatever it is.  We can speak to people outside our group, however we might define it.  Start a conversation with a stranger, and watch your thinking as you proceed.  Finally, we can believe in and hold lightly concepts that are counterintuitive to see how they feel.  Allow love for your enemies, whether they’re people or ideas.

When we view the world pluralistically, when we see many disciplines, the image of the leader dissipates and is replaced with and image of partners.

When Lacan observed the revolution in France in 1968, he said “What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a master.” He knew that what usually happens is that people replace one assembled invisible worldview with another.  There’s no desire in that.

So how can we change the landscape of sex without seeking new masters? 

I’m not sure, but my best shot is this:

Let sex teach you.  Be its student.  Then look to yourself, the world is there.